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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The World Keeps Going On and On

And I keep trying to think of things to post about

And I keep thinking about how much I miss you all. So many of you.

And I keep trying to involve myself in other projects.

And I forget why I started this blog in the first place
(Why did I start this blog in the first place?)

And I met someone who keeps saying that I will be published, and I realize
How much I started to believe
That wasn't possible

And I realized
How much I don't want a back up plan

I don't want to have to create a career based on the fact that I might not succeed and I might be a failure and I might not get published and I might not be okay and I might have to work in awful retail jobs for the next ten years of my life because of the college debt I'm in

And the fact is
I don't care if I have to work in retail for the next twenty years of my life
I don't care if I have to struggle and if it's awful

Because I know I want to be an author
That's why I've been writing since I was able to hold a crayon
Why I've been telling stories since I was able to string syllables together into coherent sounds

The World keeps going around and around and I'm going to keep spinning with it but I don't want to have to have a back-up plan anymore. If I decide to go into the publishing world I want to do it because I love it, not because I need a safety net.

This college thing... Being here, in a different state away from home for really the first time. My first try at college doesn't count, since I went home on the weekends. Being in a completely different environment. I'm learning a whole lot about myself, and I've been so busy figuring out who I am, it's been hard to figure out who my characters are, and my writing life had been precarious at best, and my absence here has been out of necessity, but I don't want to stay here. I want to write more this year. Edit more. Actually be the person I'm realizing I am.

Because I miss you.

I miss the world of writing.

I miss my characters.

I even miss creeping on agents a little bit. Finding out which agents publish which books, which publishing houses publish which of my favorite authors. I miss that whole world.

I don't really know how to end this so...