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Friday, May 21, 2010

U is for Unbelievable... Um?

Yo, thanks everybody for your well-wishers for my vacation and health. Fortunately, I'm feeling back on top of the Looney World. Yes. This is a good thing.

For awhile, it was looking pretty bad. When I woke up with this thought in my head: "Watch the flying nuns!" (for real, and no, I have no idea) my parental units got a little concerned and decided to take me to the Doctors.

Dun dun dun!

Okay, for some of you going to the doctors is as lovable as a puppy.

Awwww...

And going to the Dentist is like being trapped in an elevator with a serial killer who is holding a saw and grinning wider than the Hudson River.

I'll leave you to imagine the horrors behind those doors...

But as for myself, I could go to the dentist every day, but Doctors are TERRIFYING.

Like...

Zebras?????

So I grudgingly got into the Rumbly Truck in order to go to the doctors. We got there all fine and everything, and went in and the nurse told us to wait for the doctor. Well. Wait, we did. I had already read through all the terrible jokes in the Highlight magazines, as well as do the hidden pictures, and I was bored. I managed to get some paper and a pen from the Father, so when the doctor finally came in I was bent over a scrap of paper and there was no way i was going to look up until I finished the sentence I was writing.

Good. Grief. It is a good thing my voice was near gone, because then I couldn't say the first thing that popped into my mouth: "Oy, you're cuter than I thought you would be." *face palm*

Fortunately, though, my voice was gone and I didn't utter much. He proceeded to check my ear (they hurted alot.)

DR: (pressing behind my ear) Does this hurt?
ME: No.
DR: Does this hurt?
Me: (giggling) That feels funny.

Yup. If I can get high on Ibuprofen, can you imagine me on drugs? That's why I ALWAYS say No to Drugs.


Not. That I'm usually asked to take drugs.

Ahem.

He left to go confer with a second doctor, meanwhile allowing the Lady Nurse to come in and swab the back of my throat. Did I mention I have the gag reflex of a... Okay. I have no idea what has a gag reflex like I do, but imagine that I used a really good word picture, okay?

So the Lady Nurse swabs at my throat and I try to push her hand away. But I'm too tired and don't get there fast enough. Curses! Stupid sicknesses weakening me.

Both doctors soon come in, and the second doctor is a burly man who looks like he came from West Virginia (the smart section. Okay. I'm going to shut up before I make a West Virginia joke.) He snaps on some latex gloves, grinning, and says: "Do you want to do this the fast way, or the slow way?"

Me: (gulping, not sure what he's talking about) Um... Fast?
Dr2: So you want a shot of penicillin in the butt?
Me: (bursts into tears.)

Man, those two doctors high-tailed it out of there as fast as they could. My dad (who had come into the room with me I am so thankful to God, because I think I would've jumped out the window if he wasn't. Seriously, I was on the first floor, the window was open... All I'd have to do is push out the screen and ESCAPE!)

He's escaping... Back outside??

Thus began a very interesting "conversation" between my dad and I (I so wish I could videotape my dad re-enacting this, he is way more hilarious.)

Dad: So do you want the shot?
Me: AHHHHHHHHH! (cries)
Dad: (waiting til I calm down) You'll get better faster if you have a... shot.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (cries hysterically.)
Dad: You don't have to get the... Shot.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHH! (cries even more hysterically.)
Dad: I knew your mum was afraid of needles, but I didn't realize how much you hated... Shots.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yeah, okay dad. He didn't realize the last time I went to the Doctors to get shots:

A Few Years Earlier:

Lady is giving me a shot, I am crying worse than a baby (because I'm older than a baby, and really have no excuse for crying my face off). The lady starts giving me a shot and I bat her hand away. For real. I nearly puncture myself with the needles AND nearly push the needle into her own skin. She backs away with frightened expression. "You can't do that!" she screams. I cry and they give me the shot anyway, even though I was TRYING to tell them that my mum said I shouldn't get the shot because it was superfluous. Oh man, you shoulda' seen me mum after that. She nearly ripped their heads off, and then she looked up to see if we could sue them.

Back to the Present:

The doctors come back in and my dad says that we'll avoid the (whispers) shot. DR says he'll prescribe me some pills. Except, I can't swallow pills. The only time I can swallow pills is when I'm healthy (seriously, dude, if I'm sick that means my throat is swollen. I'm not swallowing nothing.)

Then they fixed up my ears and the Dr2 let me know that my adenoids were swollen and pussy, other lymph nodes were swollen, plus I had strep throat. Hooray. I never head strep throat before. *glares*

But then they gave me liquid meds and I feel much, much better now. And I didn't even need a shot.

Come on, tell me that isn't terrifying?

So, how 'bout you? Do any of you have humorous dentist/doctor stories? And if someone came at you with a giant needle the size of yourself, would you jump out a window? Also, if any of you can come up with a reason why Nuns would be flying, and why we would have need to watch them, I will love you forever.

WAIT! WAIT! Plus, T.H. Mafi is having a contest, and you need to go over and follow her because she is HILARIOUS, and then you can enter her contest too if you like.

10 comments:

Christine Danek said...

I don't like needles either. Poor you. Hope you are better.

SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

you and doctors. Remind me NEVER EVER EVER in a MILLION years to come with you on a doctor's visit. EVER!

VW: lathr - lathr, rins, rpat?

Talli Roland said...

Gah!

I'm glad you feel better despite the obvious trauma you've gone through!

sarahjayne smythe said...

No funny stories, but I'm glad you're feeling better. :)

MBW aka Olleymae said...

bahahahahaha that's hilarious.

I totally had to get a shot in the butt a couple years ago, and after the nurse did it, she gave me a pat.

It was awkward.

AchingHope said...

@Chrstine: I am feeling better, thanks :)

@Sonshine: Well, you're not invited so there. :P

@Talli: Thanks :)

@sarahjayne: I'm glad I'm feeling better. Yay! :D

@MBW/Olleymae: Haha, glad you liked it. And that sounds super awkward *shudders*

Tahereh said...

OMG what a story!!!

so happy you survived, love!

and i can't believe it's taken me so long to find this post!!

thanks for the linkage :D

Laura Marcella said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura Marcella said...

What is up with that zebra picture??? Zebras are NOT horses!

Lol, I'm glad you're feeling better. I've been sick all week, though. I think I jinxed myself when I commented on one of your posts that I'd take being sick if I was at the beach. Well, the universe must have a sadistic sense of humor or something. I'm sick, but not at the beach! What's up with that??? I'm not laughing!

Thanks so much for the post card! Cape Hatteras is where we'd go, too; love it! Hope your vacation is fabulous!

AchingHope said...

@Tahereh: Hey! :D Welcome over here. I'm glad I survived too. It was lookin' pretty iffy there, for awhile...

@Laura: I have no idea! I saw the pic and I was thinking, "What?!" so of course I had to put in there.

Awww, :( I'm sorry you're sick. I think you should def get a free trip to the beach, just because you are sick. Feel better soon.