W is for Who, What, When, Where, Why, and Woh

1. Who?

This is a question all writers must ask themselves when they are writing a story/sonnet/novel/ haiku. Who. And I'm not talking about who are your main characters, who is the protagonist, antagonist, blah, blah, blah. No, I'm talking about: Who are the couple standing on the ege of the roof over there? Why are they exchanging mysterious packages (without the Main Character noticing of course)? And who are they planning on giving the mysterious package to? This way when in chapter 32 when the Evil Villain of Doom pulls out a mysterious box the reader isn't left wondering where it came from. Also, make sure you go into Complete Detail about the grocer and how when he was two years old a cat scratched his leg. It will do nothing to make the plot go forward, but it will be most entertaining.

2. What?

What is your character wearing? What are they thinking about at ALL times? What is their favorite sweater? What do they do when they meet strange figures emerging out of mysterious blue smoke? What is their cholesterol level? Plus, be sure to map out their complete history, starting from birth. This will make your story/novel/sonnet/haiku ridiculously long, but remember, Readers are stupid and you must spell everything out for them.

3. When?

No, I'm not talking about when the story/novel/sonnet/lymrick happens, because that of course, will be written in LARGE BOLD LETTERS on every single page because, remember, Readers have no brains. Because, I mean, you're a writer, and you obviously don't read books because you have a brain. Only people who write have brains. No, I'm talking about when does anything interesting happen? Because you have all the backstory at the front you need a Giant Asterisk to mark where the Exciting part happens, so people can skip over the backstory part. Because Readers are so unthoughtful that way. Don't they know you took ages to write that Meaningless, Pointless, Dribble?? They should so totally read it, the jerks.

4. Where?

Again, I'm not talking about Where, as in time and place, because that will be stamped on the corner of every page, duh. What I'm talking about is Where in Reality does it take place? Most people don't know this, but there are loads of Realities out there, and they just might get confused and think your story/novel/haiku/lymrick/sonnet is in their Reality instead of a different one. Make sure you repeat yourself as many times as necessary, make sure you repeat yourself as many times as neccessary, make sure....

5. Why?

Forget about Why your character wishes to do whatever it is he/she is doing. Instead, make sure to question all of life's major questions. People don't need to take Philosophy classes, they just need to read your book. Ask questions like, Why do trees fall over? (even if your book/story/poem is set in a place without trees), Why do marmosets have days like these? Do we really exist? Why are we here? and Why do authors write so wonderfully? (make sure to have an Authors of Note, and list yourself first.) Everyone will talk about your book for days on end.

6. Woh?

In honor of Dyslexics everwhere write random words sdrawkcab and all ixmed pu. It doesn't matter if no one else can read what you're writing, those with Brain Malfunctions everywhere will sing your praise. How do you write your words backwards and all mixed up? By a mirror and a blender. Write your manuscript, stuff it in the blender. When it is thoroughly shredded take out the pieces and look at it through a mirror. You will see from every angle that by following this outrageous advice, you have created a Masterpiece worth burning.