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Friday, May 28, 2010

V is for Vampires in the Bible??

Yup. That's right folks. Not only does the Bible hold the secrets of the Spakes, but also includes iron-clad proof, not only for Vampires, but Zombies as well.

Let's take a look at Galatians 5:15:

"But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another."

Obviously the biting is talking about Vampires, and the consuming is talking about Zombies.

See? Iron-clad proof.

In response to this shocking news I interviewed invisible, not-really-existent-people. Rev. Pseudo states that the community as a whole needs to "know of the dangers of these creatures." He has been writing up articles and attending meetings to bring awareness about this issue.
Madam Spurious exclaimed that, "she knew it," while waving a clove of garlic in her hand. Her next-door neighbor, Edward Sham, just shook his head and refused to comment.

Meanwhile, several celebrities have come out of the closet reporting that they are indeed Vampires and Zombies. However, when studied by Scientists, they turned out to be hoaxes. This was very disturbing to a young girl, Julie Dupe, who believed that celebrities could never lie.
In order to take every precaution necessary the President, with the help of Miss Stafford, is seeking out girls named "Buffy." So far, only a valley girl with a lisp has been found, and she insists that "Vampires are, like, so totally ew."

In other news a girl from Scotland has locked herself in her room, refusing to come out. Although it is still unsure why she would do such a thing, sources tell us that she was known to be harboring Zombies. A Miss Sonshine was seen guarding her door with Cats. T.H. Mafi was alongside of her promising to attack people with pterodactyls. Meanwhile, a woman with a palindrome was getting very excited and cocking her gun menacingly. Many people ducked in response. Evil Blam, from Canada, just laughed while a mysterious figure traipsed behind him while making puns and muttering about dimples.
All in all, the world has seriously gone into chaos.

If any other news crops up, I'll let you know. In the mean time, my friend and I keep shouting at each other: "Do not bite and devour!" I think that should be my new slogan.


Palindrome said...

LOL! You are absolutely crazy cakes!! And I love it!

Blam said...

Evil Blam, from Canada, just laughed while a mysterious figure traipsed behind him while making puns and muttering about dimples.

Whoa. I do not want to think about those two joining forces.

SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

HAHAHAHA! You are too much. The BEST thing was the paragraph at the end with all the links. I think I had an asthma attack from laughing so hard! I'm totally sending Mia a link to this!

VW: manipity - how your friends feel for you when your nails are completely messed up.

Laura Marcella said...

LOL!!! Love how your sister, Tahereh, and Palindrome are in on the zombies!

The Bible really does have everything in it, haha!

Mia said...


I have not locked nyself in the room. MY ZOMBIES DID IT. As a precaution, you see. Those guys outside can be very dangerous, we're not taking chances :P

The codeword is Sandcastle if anyone is in the area and wishes to shelter. Knock thrice whilst humming the Flintstones theme tune and you will be granted safe passage.

Also Rev Pseudo's a good friend, he taught me a lot of what I know *nods* Madam Spurious on the other hand is a bit potty, although she does know a good recipe for lentil soup.

Do not bite and devour! *salutes* You TOTES made my day there m'dear :) Thanksies

Tahereh said...


this is BRILLIANT.

i salute you, my friend!

Talli Roland said...

Ha ha!

I always knew vampires were in the Bible. I just knew it!

AchingHope said...

@Palindrome: Aw, thanks :)

@Blam: I know. Isn't that a terrifying thought?? O_o

@Sonshine: Hehe, it was loads fun. Thanks for sending the lin, ol' buddy ol' pal.

@Laura: Just wait, I found out there's even MORE in the Bible ;)

@Mia: *shakes head* Just goes to show you can never trust the media. Of course your Zombie would do it. They are smart like that.
*sneaks over to Scotland, knocks on door whispering Sandcastle* Snap! I'll have to learn the Flinstones theme song!

@Tahereh: Why, thank you. I salute you right back! :D

@Talli: Yes, I was surprised no one had found any verses to back up that theory yet. :)