R is for Revisions, Re-wRiting, and Rediculous

I need to learn how to revise. It's just a fact of life. If I don't I think a turtle will bite me.

He is happy to bite you... Mwahahaha >:)

Because if I were a turtle, and I read something that wasn't revised, I would bite that non-revising person.

But the question is, how does when go about revising? From what I've gathered there are a couple of things one can do and it boils down to these 9 various things:

1. Eat a lot of chocolate (or drink coffee, if you're psychotic like that. I can't drink coffee more than once a week or I twitch and feel like I'm on drugs.) This will make you fat and die, hence no longer needing to do revisions. Or it just makes you feel happy inside.

2. Dance in the rain, climbs mountains, and avoid doing laundry at all costs - this produces large amounts of creativity.

3. Write down the names of your characters and try to describe them in one sentence. Then draw little stick figures of your characters and write abstract things about them. Example: Solomon, likes to sit on hippos while strumming a lyre.

4. Go line by line, reading your novel out loud. Must read in a weird accent, or if that is not possible sing your novel. This will give you a different take on what you thought you were trying to say, plus it will annoy everyone within a 2.5 mile radius of you. If they ask, just say your testing the "lyrical quality" of your work.

5. Write down scenes on colorful scraps of paper with pretty colored markers. Then move scenes around, see what scenes are missing, and whether or not you really need those scenes from Admar's point of view. Then cry because your scene with creeping Ryszard has to be cut, even though you love Ryszard. Colors are helpful for keeping you from falling asleep. Also, it distracts you from the unendurable loss of those scenes you thought were necessary but are really just superfluous.

6. Eat more chocolate. Because, obviously, you have not yet up and died, and need to try again. If chocolate isn't working, try eating pancakes coated in sugar for dinner, with a side of onion rings. (Yes, I did eat this for dinner once, and no I did not die or start spazzing from too much sugar.)

7. Congratulations! You're not dead yet. Give your manuscript to some friends/relatives to critic. Most will say, "It's good. I like it." Some will say, "Eh, s'okay." Commence smacking yourself in the head with the nearest heavy book. Try a Latin dictionary, or Shakespeare's entire collection of everything he has ever written. Then, write down all the encouraging words, find some mean friends, and have them tear your work apart. Cry. Read those encouraging words. Feel better. Read critiques. Cry some more.

8. Fix what you need to fix. Don't fix what you don't need to fix. If it turns out that you absolutely need those Admar scenes, as much as you dislike Admar, keep them. Write some scenes from first person point of view to get to know him better. Still think he's a whiny doofus? Make him a lovable whiny doofus. Feel free to not agree with your friends (either mean or nice) as long as you have good reason to.

9. Stare at your computer screen/pad of paper with a blank look on your face, because you don't know if you've done this revising process properly, and you think your brain just turned to ugly pink goo, like chewed up gum. Then seek out someone who actually knows how to revise and start over a whole new process.

How do you revise? Do you revise? Can you drink coffee more than once a week? And most importantly, have you ever gotten a turtle stuck on your nose? Because if you have, I totally want to see pictures :D